Milady and the Half Blood Cat
by Visible
Summary: [Hiatus][DracoxHermione] Milady, the polished, civilized feline of Draco Malfoy, and Hermione's half kneazle Crookshanks begin the cat fight of all cat fights. Will nine lives be enough? Their humans are brought too close for comfort.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** I was not planning on actually posting this story, to be honest with you guys. I was just wondering if some people were up for reading this and if so, if even _one person_ wants to read this, I will continue it for their sake. I'll probably have to repost though.

Even flames are taken in with hugs. Because that means that whoever wrote it was willing to take time out of their life to spend it on me. Thanks.

* * *

**Milady and the Half-Blood Cat**

Chapter One

A whistle flowed throughout the corridors. Upon hearing this, the stealthy cat silently made way up the narrow staircase, taking his precious time.

"Crookshanks," cried a voice just beyond the door that he was heading towards. "Crookshanks, where are you? We have to begin the story. Our _guests_ are already here."

The door was pawed open to reveal the cat named Crookshanks. He entered jauntily and jumped on a lap that was soon revealed to be the caller's.

"Bloody wanker," she huffed. "Do you have no sense of time? You had to keep our audience," she pointed you out, "waiting!"

The feline raised his head to meet her eyes and after a few moments lay back down.

"Fish? Of all the things to keep people waiting for!" She was quite aggravated. In another tone entirely she said, "At least Milady here has some manners."

She leaned in to pet the aristocratic feline on her left. The snake-like eyes flashed upon Crookshanks haughtily. Crookshanks rolled his eyes—or at least, he would be rolling his eyes if it were possible for a cat to do so.

"That's why," she continued talking to Crookshanks, "I decided not to call this story Crookshanks and the Duchess. It's your irresponsibility that's always getting in the way. Besides, the name Duchess doesn't suit you much, does it Milady?" Milady raised her head high. "Thought so."

"Well, we better begin with the story, shouldn't we? Before it gets too late. I'll be your narrator for today, or this week, or however long it takes to finish this story up."

"Where do I begin? Oh, of course! This is a story of two cats and their owners..."

It was the seventh year of Hermione Granger's education at Hogwarts. Crookshanks was lazily swishing his tail to and fro on top of a shelf where the luggage was held. He observed the three occupants of the train compartment with a tinge of indifference.

A male and female were in a heated discussion, and the third was busying himself by unwrapping a chocolate frog.

"I can't believe you're still going on about that!" she cried.

"But it's Kr-"

"Yes Ron, I know who it is."

"You can't tell me he's still interested in you after..." Ron stopped to count with his fingers. "Three years!"

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Hermione's voice dropped.

"That he's...oh I don't know, desperate?" Ron replied with distain.

"Arrgg!" Crookshanks' human groaned. "First of all, Ronald Weasley, he's Victor Krum. How in the world could he be desperate! Second, so what if I saw him this summer? I accidentally bumped into him. And third...why am I having this discussion with you anyways? I'll save myself the aggravation of your overly-protective brotherly tactics by sitting in the Head Compartments. Good-bye Harry and farewell Ron!" Hermione exited the compartment.

Crookshanks heaved himself off the shelf and padded to the door. With his best imitation of his human, Crookshanks said, "Ronald Weasley, you are tactless."

Tail in the air, Crookshanks left the building (which really wasn't a building at all).

He followed Hermione's scent to the restrooms and just as she was closing the door, Crookshanks slipped in.

Hermione was leaning against the sink, deep in thought. Crookshanks sat patiently in front of her. Finally, she spoke her mind.

"Why does he always act like that?"

"Well, dear," Crookshanks replied after a few strokes against her leg. "You've got to be blind not to realize that he's liked you all these years."

Hermione bent over to pick him up.

"But, of course, you are female. So I can't blame you for not understanding the working of a man's mind. Especially one so thick-headed." Crookshanks purred into her arms.

His human smiled at these antics.

"That's okay. Who needs boys anyway? I've got you, Crookshanks, my brains, and my books. What else could a girl need?" She smiled a sad smile.

"That's a really sad way to cheer yourself up, Hermio," stated Crookshanks, grinning at the mutilation of Hermione's name. "I could probably do a better job."

He leaped out of her arms and into the toilet, making a gigantic splash.

"Oh, Crookshanks!" shouted Hermione.

Crookshanks waded in the water for a moment, turned around, and stuck his backside in the air, shaking it as he went.

Hermione giggled. "Crookshanks, get out of there silly. That's filthy water!"

Being the good cat he was, Crookshanks hopped out of the bowl and unto the sink. Then he began to shake himself dry.

"Hey, Shanks!" Hermione screeched with delight. He splattered the water onto her face. Hermione glared at her cat. If she didn't know better, she could have sworn that the cat was grinning.

"C'mon you," she told him, exiting.

Upon reaching the Head Compartments, Hermione straightened her posture and pinned a Head Girl badge to her robes.

"Let's see who's Head Boy, shall we?" Hermione murmured.

"We shall."

As Hermione entered, she gasped. She wasn't the only one. Crookshanks stopped frozen.

The occupants looked up in surprise at their intruders.

There was Draco Malfoy, book at hand, sitting comfortably near his gorgeous silver cat, though Hermione paid no heed to the cat. She was too busy staring at the blond-haired, grey-eyed adversary, who was smirking deviously.

"I, I didn't expect...umm, why are you here Malfoy?" questioned Hermione in her state of shock.

Draco arched an eyebrow mockingly. He then placed a bookmark in between the pages of his book and removed his glasses. "That's a funny question Granger. You see, right now we're in a place called the _Head_ Compartment. You know, where the Head Boy and Head Girl usually sit." He said this as if he were talking to a three-year-old.

"But, I'm the Head Girl," Hermione blurted.

"Yes," Draco nodded, urging her to continue.

"But that would make you..."

"Head Boy," Draco completed her unfinished sentence.

"Oh. Right then." Hermione plopped herself on a chair. She blinked quite a few times before conjuring herself up a glass of ice water.

Hermione downed two more.

Meanwhile, Crookshanks was transfixed on the marvelous sight before him. At first, he was surprised at not being the only feline in the room. Taking a second look, he was stunned by her beauty. She (for he knew by scent she was not male) was unlike any feline he'd ever laid eyes on.

She had soft fur that looked as if it was made of pure silver and that begged to be petted. Her green emerald eyes would turn anyone's head. On that fur were stripes taken from a tigress herself. And she carried herself with such an air of aristocracy and grace that she must've been sent from the heavens above.

Crookshanks groomed the top of his head and mustered the courage to talk to her.

"So...did it hurt?"

She turned her head towards him in acknowledgement.

"When an angel like yourself fell from heaven?"

She rolled her eyes and jumped unto the coffee table. "You're an idiot. The only angels that fell from heaven were demons." She glared at him in a sinister way.

Unfazed, Crookshanks replied, "She speaks! And with what a beautiful voce she speaks with." He hopped on the table to be near her.

Hermione took in all her surroundings. The cushions were soft and velvety, there was a coffee table in the center, the window took over the whole wall, and it all would have been very pleasant if it weren't for the twitchy ferret across from her.

"But how did you...I thought Hogwarts didn't accept briberies!" she exclaimed.

Instead of the playful manner he used with her earlier, his facial features hardened.

"I earned the title just at much as you did, Mudblood."

"That was uncalled for Malfoy!"

"Then learn to shut up sometimes, Granger and stop assuming you know everything. Didn't your Muggle of a mother teach you any manners?"

"Keep my heritage out of this Malferret!"

"Or else what? You'll take away house points? Oh, I don't think so. You're not the only one here that's Head—"

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Their argument halted at the sound.

_Tap. Tap._

There was nothing out the window. The sound was coming from the compartment door. Hermione, who was nearest to the door, opened it. In flew a paper airplane.

In an attempt to show off, Crookshanks pounced on it, but failed miserably, as it unfolded itself on the coffee table. The female cat just smirked.

Confused, Hermione picked up the paper and read aloud:

_To Mr. Draco Malfoy and Miss Hermione Granger,_

She looked up to see if Draco was listening. His look of indifference could have rivaled that of her cat's. She continued.

_Congratulations on becoming Head Boy and Head Girl._

At this, she tried her hardest not to roll her eyes. Her first impression of the job was not all that appealing.

_Your duties will be as followed:_

Hermione read off the duties and started the last paragraph.

_Please note that you must pass each class with O's with the penalty of losing your position as Head. Both Heads must set a good example of house unity for your peers and youngers. Any hostility shown between Head Boy and Head Girl will result in the removal of your position._

She gasped. Hermione wanted to bang her head on a wall right this second. How idiotic! She couldn't walk around acting the way she did with Malfoy. Her position was at stake!

Draco "hmm"-ed. It seemed as if that sentence was deliberately put in for them.

"Signed the Headmaster and Headmistress," Hermione finished. She was really put out at the end of the letter. So, acting the "mature" part, she said, "You know what this means, right Malfoy?"

"Of course," he replied in a nonchalant way. "Acting polite in front of teachers and students."

"Meaning everyone. Can you handle that?"

Draco looked up as she questioned his abilities. "The question is, can you?" He smirked in such a way that made Hermione's blood boil. It was enough to make her want to rip his head off (all three of them, badge and all).

"Can you please take this seriously, Malfoy!" demanded Hermione.

"Yes Granger."

He pointed to himself. "This is me taking things seriously." He changed the direction of his index finger to indicate Hermione. "And this is you blowing things out of proportion."

Before she could retort back, Draco exclaimed, "And Granger, what the hell is your nezzle doing to my feline?"

Crookshanks was standing with Draco's cat just beneath him. His paw touched the cat's ear affectionately. But she swatted it away fiercely.

"Get your filthy paws off me!" she snarled.

"Ah but mi amor..." Crookshanks had resorted to foreign languages.

The silvery cat hissed and extended her claws to give him a good swat across the nose.

Crookshanks howled with pain.

Both cats were lifted by her respective humans.

"Aw Shanky-poo!" Milady snickered at the use of this nickname. "Are you alright? Did that nasty cat hurt you?" Hermione waved her wand to get rid of the cut on his nose.

"Yeah, that brat," Crookshanks seethed crossly in Hermione's arms.

That "nasty" cat just hissed back from her human's arms.

Draco glared. "Keep that...nezzle or whatever, away from Milady. She's an extremely rare breed that was exported all the way from South America!"

"Oh, of course," Hermione's voice dripped with sarcasm. "No damaging Draco's new toy, right? And Crookshanks is not a _nezzle_, he's half a kneazle."

"That unkempt ball of fur has a name?" Draco bit back.

Hermione gave him fierce look. "Milady, or whatever her _highness'_ name is, is a raving lunatic of a cat that shouldn't be allowed on campus!"

"Milady is the most well-trained and well-bred cat that your Mudblood eyes will ever see."

Hermione huffed furiously. "You're a prat, you know that?"

"Well, that's too bad for you because you're going to have to deal with this _prat_ all year." Malfoy glowered menacingly and Hermione glared with equal animosity. Their pets were not much different.

"And that will be the end of our first chapter of Milady and the Half-Blood Cat. Oh, dear, I've kept you a bit longer than expected. I knew I should have started earlier." Our narrator frowned at Crookshanks.

"I was hardly in any of it," whined Crookshanks.

"Well that's because it was just the beginning," she explained.

"I cannot believe how prissy you got over a tiny scratch, Crookshanks," laughed Milady.

He placed both paws on top of his nose and stuck his tongue out at her. "You stay away from my nose!" Crookshanks cried as Milady trotted towards him.

"Aw come 'ere Shanky-poo. Shanky-poo poo poo. Lemme see that little button nose of yours," Milady purred playfully.

"No!" yelled Crookshanks, backing up against a wall as she walked near. "And don't call me that!"

"Why not, Shanky-poo? Your human does." She grinned and cornered him.

"You! Stay away from mee—" Crookshanks jumped from the wall and ran. The two cats began a round of chase.

The narrator watched them, amused. "If you haven't guessed already, both me and you have the ability to understand felines. Anyone else wouldn't understand a word of it."

"Lyyyyyllliiiaaan! Time for dinner!" hollered a voice from below.

"Okay, Mum!" Lylian shouted back.

"Well, now you know my name. Thanks to dear ol' Mum." Lylian smiled unhappily. "I really wanted to remain anonymous. And I'd invite you to dinner, I really would, but there's just so many of you that—"

"Lylian, are you talking to yourself again?" shouted her mother.

Lylian's face burned red. "NO MUM!"

She smiled back at her guest. "Sorry for the interruption. But, you guys have to go. My mum would kill me if—"

"Who's in the room with you?" yelled the voice again.

"NO ONE, MUM!"

"Then get down here for supper, young lady!"

"OKAY!" Lylian rolled her eyes, mumbling, "That woman..." Just as she was about to exit, Lylian spotted Milady and Crookshanks. "You two, let's go."

They stopped their game of tag and left, reluctantly.

Lylian's eyes' met with yours. Her voice dropped considerably. "Oh, and would you be a dear and review? It's that blue button on the bottom left of your screen. Yeah, that's it, just a click away. Well...see you later!" With that she departed, leaving you to ponder to do with that alluring little button.


	2. Sort of But Not Really Chapter 2

The door slowly inched open. The movement was so slight that you wouldn't have noticed it unless you were waiting for it to open, which you were.

Milady stuck her head out though the doorway.

"You're here," she cried. "I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting you so soon. I'm not supposed to be the one opening this chapter today. It's just _Lylian_ has been having a bit of trouble." She spoke _Lylian_ with some distain.

The cat turned her head and spoke to another just outside the door. "Crookshanks! Get her in here!"

"I'm on it," he called.

There were shuffles and sounds of struggle heard.

Milady smiled maliciously, showing her sharp teeth. "She'll be here any second now."

Finally, with an "Ouch!", Lylian bounded though the doorway with Crookshanks at her heels.

"You don't have to bite," she muttered to the ginger tabby.

Crookshanks closed the door with his back paw and hissed, "Sit."

She sat. Then she turned to face you.

"H-Hi again," Lylian said embarrassed. There was a shy silence.

"Get on with it," Milady said.

"But I don't want to!" she whined.

Both cats glared at the narrator.

"Fine!" Lylian said and quickly she added, "Msuferotutdaitin."

Crookshanks spoke up, "Look them in the eye and say it coherently."

She sighed and lifted her eyes. "I'm sorry for not updating for the past two and a half weeks. I know you've been waiting."

"Good girl," Milady grinned. Lylian grunted. "Now go on with the story."

Lylian looked alarmed. "But I-I can't! They're going to kill me!"

Milady smirked evilly and extracted her claws.

"No need to get violent now. I'll get on with it. But it's not going to be pretty."

She folded her hands on her lap and smiled.

"Hello again, faithful readers! I'll have to warn you right now that this is _not_ going to be the second chapter." She cringed as she heard some boos and hisses from your side of the screen. "I know, I know. Two and a half weeks and no second chapter? No, no. Put down those weapons. No need for bloodshed. Good.

"This chapter is only a remake of the first. Because I wasn't pleased with it," she spit out, eyes closed tightly. "Don't kill me! Hear me out first. . ."

* * *

Hermione stepped out of the horseless carriage to have a warm summer's breeze caress her face. The magnificent Hogwarts castle stood in reverence and in welcoming, filling Hermione with a strong feeling of... 

"Home," she breathed out.

Hermione looked down at the bundle in her arms to find a pair of yellow eyes staring back at her.

"Mreow," said Crookshanks.

"Yeah," she smiled. "We're home."

The cat struggled in her grip until she loosened. He leapt off and ran out of sight.

"Are you going to stand there all day, Hermione?" asked Harry.

"Yeah c'mon! I don't want to miss the welcoming feast again," said Ron, just ahead of her. "I'm starving!"

Hermione jogged to catch up with her two best friends. She smiled. After so many years of knowing them, she was glad that some things never changed.

Draco Malfoy stepped out of his carriage. He said curtly, "Milady," and his feline landed gracefully on the ground. Milady's plush fur, that looked as if it were made of pure silver, gleamed in the sunlight.

Draco made his way towards grand castle; Milady, who walked by his side, was his only companion.

Crookshanks trotted his way though the crowd. He sniffed the air. There was a particular scent he had never inhaled before, and it wasn't the stench of first years. Crookshanks followed the mystery scent into the Entrance Hall where the fragrance still lingered.

Looking straight at him was a pair of emerald green eyes connected to a silver furred, striped body.

Crookshanks walked out to greet the new-comer. "Hello."

As he approached, the other feline said, "My, my, my. What have we here? A Kneazle, perhaps?"

"Actually, only half a Kneazle." At this, her face scrunched up with scorn. "The name's Crookshanks by the way."

"I'm sorry." She turned her back to him, not acting the least bit sorry. "But I don't associate myself to _mutts_."

"Hey!" Crookshanks said indignantly. "That was awfully rude."

"And?" she called over her shoulder.

Crookshanks took a few strides next to her. "And," he continued, "I think I deserve an apology."

She glanced sideways at Crookshanks but ignored him.

He stepped in front of her to block her path. This caused her to stop in her tracks.

The feline hissed, "What do you want?"

"I already said that—an apology."

"Well, seeing as that isn't going to happen anytime soon, you might as well wait for snow in the summer or something equally as impossible."

Crookshanks place his face inches from hers. "I really dislike your attitude, missy."

She extracted her claws and...

SMACK!

Crookshanks howled in pain.

The silvery cat grinned. "The name's not Missy. It's Milady." She licked her nails clean.

Crookshanks was now sporting four cuts on the bridge of his nose. Nobody hurt Crookshanks and got away with it. Seething with anger, he pounced on Milady.

"Catfight!" an excited third year yelled. He was sniggering at his own irony. The crowd in the Entrance Hall formed a circle around the two felines.

They gnawed each other's necks and rolled around fiercely. This went on for several minutes. Then Milady jumped out of his clutches and hissed, daring him to make another move. Crookshanks would have had another go, if it weren't for his human pushing though the crowd.

"Crookshanks!" She did not sound happy. "What mess have you gotten yourself into this time?"

Hermione observed the scene before her. Crookshanks tending to his wounded nose and another cat seemingly grinning madly.

"Aww, Shanky-poo! You're hurt." All pretences of anger had evaporated.

A flick of her wrist and his cuts were healed. Hermione then wrapped Crookshanks in her arms and stroked his head.

A blond headed boy walked up to Milady.

"Hello, love," Milady purred as her human approached. "It's too bad you weren't here to see the damage done. You would have had a good laugh."

Crookshanks hissed as he heard this. Hermione, who was still soothing him, looked up. There was Draco Malfoy with Crookshank's attacker at his heels.

"You have a vicious cat, Malfoy," said Hermione seething.

"Your fur ball should watch his back then," he replied.

Hermione stirred with anger. She was very touchy went it came to Crookshanks. "Keep that thing away from Crookshanks unless you want a hairless cat instead."

Milady looked appalled.

Draco Malfoy turned his back and began walking, his feline in tow. "Milady,"  
he spoke loud enough for Hermione to hear, "remember not to associate yourself to ill-breeds." He stole a glance over his shoulder in time to see Hermione fuming. He entered the double doors leading to the Great Hall.

"Prick," Hermione stated to no one in particular. She then took notice of the crowed that still gathered (who were all disappointed for lack of good argument).

"What are you staring at? Get moving! There's nothing to see here." Hermione watched as the crowd quickly dispersed either for fear of their house points (Hermione was Head Girl) or that she would instead take her anger out on them.

Harry and Ron approached Hermione.

"What was that all about?" asked Harry.

"Oh nothing really. Besides the fact that Malfoy's cat tried to harm Crookshanks. And he's a git," she added as an afterthought.

Ron, who was still apprehensive around Crookshanks, said uncommitted, "That's definitely not good."

Hermione took this as a push to continue with her story. "That thing nearly killed Crookshanks!"

Crookshanks glared.

"Not that I'm saying Crookshanks isn't a good fighter. But Malfoy's cat—I could have sworn it was wild." Hermione paused. "Now that I think about it, she did seem a bit—"

"Grruhhhmmmg" went Ron's stomach.

Harry laughed. "You weren't kidding when you said you were starving, were you?"

Ron turned red.

"Aw poor Ronnikins! We better feed him before he dies of malnutrition," said Hermione.

"Finally," said Ron. "Food! And to think, I thought you guys meant to keep me out of the Great Hall."

The trio entered the Great Hall. Hermione tried to push the Draco Malfoy incident out of her mind. Right now she just needed to enjoy her last year at Hogwarts.

"C'mon you!" Hermione called behind her. Crookshanks was sitting there with a big fat bottom lip. "Did you think I forgot about you?"

Crookshanks whole demeanor brightened up.

"How could I?" She picked him up and hurried after her friends.

* * *

Lylian blinked. Once, twice, trice. 

"So..." she tried, "Did you like it?"

She waited for a few seconds then let out a "Phew!"

"I thought I was a goner there." She smiled cheerfully. "Wonderful! I'm so glad. Now if you'd just tell me which you liked better, you'd be such a sweetheart. It's either #1 or #2."

Crookshanks was lying lazily on the desk. "I still didn't have a big role in that."

"Oh, stop being such a sour pus," said Milady. She then laughed. "Get it? I called you a sour pus. Because you're such a big pussy!" She laughed and laughed.

"Not funny," said Crookshanks but Milady was still in hysterics.

"Well," interrupted Lylian. "First I'd like to thank my Mum and Dad whom this is all dedicated and the two cats you see here. Of course my lovely reviewers, beginning with **Hotaru420**, **Steelo**, **Kidden**—"

"You're not winning a bloody Oscar, you know," huffed Crookshanks, the Sour Pus.

"Hey! I can read that!" shouted Crookshanks.

But Lylian continued on. "**Angelps7**, and **Serena Tasneem**. All of you deserve a cookie! Here. Now for the rest of you that read this but didn't review...here's half a cookie. It's not as good as a whole cookie, but thanks for reading anyways."

Milady said, "Lylian it's late, we have to go."

"But I don't want to, they love me here!"

Crookshanks and Milady shared a look. They turned to the narrator and extracted their claws.

She was oblivious. "They love me, I can't believe they—OUCH!"

Lylian coughed, sputtered and ran. "Stop! No, stop. Stop it! I said stop already! At least tell my readers to review! Ouch!"

But all three of them were already out the door, and it shut with a swift "click".


	3. Chapter 3

As you enter you notice that the room isn't empty like it usually is. You already know that this chapter is going to be different.

A smiling girl with her two cats greet you. They're seated next to a large pile of papers.

"Hello!"

"Salutations!"

"Greetings earthlings!"

Milady smacked Crookshanks backhandedly. "You're not an alien. They don't exist."

He stuck out his index finger. It glowed red. In a creepy voice, Crookshanks said, "E.T. phone home."

Milady sighed. "Sometimes I wonder where the kneazle in you went."

"It probably ran off with your kindness." He made a ridiculous face, forcing his nose to resemble a pig. Meanwhile, Milady stuck out her tongue.

"Alright, enough with the bickering, you two," said Lylian. She then addressed you, "I guess we should begin. Okay, pretend you never read the last chapter. Pretend it doesn't exist because the majority of my reviewers liked #1, and I figured I'd go more for quirky and less with angst.

"Shall we continue?"

* * *

Crookshanks was the only living being that occupied the common room that night. After the Welcoming Feast, Hermione had locked herself in her bedroom, Malfoy had done the same, and Milady refused to spend more time than necessary with him. He figured she was doing some exploring of the grounds just as he had done his first year at Hogwarts. Milady had been out for a while, and Crookshanks was hoping beyond hope that she had encountered the Whomping Willow.

After a good, hearty round of Rub-Yourself-On-The-Carpet, Crookshanks figured it was time to visit his human, whom he hadn't bothered all night. He skipped up the stairs until reaching the door with a "Head Girl" plaque nailed to it. The cat pushed, shoved, and leaned on the door, but it refused to open. He even sunk so low as to sticking his paw underneath the doorway.

His attempts were useless. The door wouldn't move. So Crookshanks sat, staring at the door handle waiting for it to jiggle or do something to disprove its immobility. He waited and waited and waited.

"Open," Crookshanks commanded.

It didn't budge.

"Open sesame," he tried again.

Still closed.

"Hocus pocus."

Nothing.

"Abra Cadabra."

When the door still remained shut, Crookshanks began to fume in the ears.

"Fine! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he shouted.

The door did not drop dead and neither did it open. So the cat sat (in a hat on a mat waiting to receive a pat from a bat), and he thought very hard; so hard that a vein in his temple was about to burst.

Maybe Hermione was abducted by aliens! ...No that wouldn't do because according to Milady, "aliens don't exist". Or maybe Hermione had been studying so hard that her brain had finally crumpled into a heap. She must've gone brain dead. But classes hadn't even started (since when did that stop her?).

Crookshanks took a sharp inhale of breath. A stroke of brilliance had come to him. The reason the door wouldn't open was because Hermione wasn't in that room. In fact, it wasn't even her room at all. Crookshanks knew the solution; Hermione was not Head Girl, as he had been gullibly led to believe, but Head BOY.

It was hard to tell with these humans, they all looked alike. But Crookshanks knew instinctively that he was correct. Hermione did seem to have more male-ish characteristics that he did female. How could he be so stupid this whole time? Of course Hermione was a _he_ not a _she_.

Crookshanks marched straight up to the door on the opposite end of the hallway and, to his luck, the door was not closed all the way. His pushing on the door helped, and the cat climbed on in.

The room was dim. Crookshanks could just make the outline of his human sleeping on the king-sized bed.

His grin was that of a Cheshire cat's. This gave him ample opportunity to do what he had come to do; be a bothersome pest to Hermione.

Crookshanks crept up on him slowly, as if stalking his prey. He landed silently on the bed and tip-toed towards his face. Crookshanks saw only the back of Hermione's silky head.

The tabby cat bent his head towards his human's ear and clamped down on it.

"AHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

Except it wasn't the right he. The scream did not come from He-Hermione but from He-Malfoy.

"Uh-oh," Crookshanks said to himself.

Malfoy threw Crookshanks off him to the other side of the room. He struggled in the dark for the switch of the lamp. Squinting in the brightness, Malfoy searched for his attacker.

There was a shuffle of feet outside of his bedroom door and Hermione burst in.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Hermione said breathlessly, with only a nightgown on.

"That thing," Malfoy pointed to Crookshanks in a cross manner, "tried to kill me in my sleep."

She looked to across the room to find her cat with widened eyes.

"Crookshanks," reprimanded Hermione (who was now known to be a she not a he), "what have I told you about killing people so blatantly?"

It took a moment for Draco to note the sarcasm in her voice. "Oh hardy har, har, Granger. What did you do, put him up to it?"

She snorted and walked in his room to pick up her pet. "No, but don't give me ideas."

"Keep your murderous cat out of my room."

"Keep your door shut."

Both their panic had subsided. They were given time to observe one another. Draco had a severe case of bed-head, and Hermione's eyes closed as she gave out a big yawn. Draco and Hermione were too sleepy to argue. There was no venom when they spoke, only sleeplessness.

"Better get to bed then," she said, making her way out.

"Yes, and try to forget about how your fur-ball nearly gave me another piercing."

Her ears perked up. "_Another_ piercing?"

Hermione was halfway out the door. As she said this Draco, pushed her out.

"You know what they say," Draco smirked a little. "Curiosity killed the cat." And he shut the door in her face.

Hermione dropped Crookshanks, muttering, "Pompous prat. When you think he's finally acting civil..."

* * *

Milady had been wandering the halls all night. The halls were empty and silent, except for the occasional grunting noises she'd hear in closed broom closet, but Milady was sure to pass over those doors completely.

There were thousands of artworks that Milady looked upon. She passed by portraits of eccentric knights, tapestries of barmy men being viciously attacked by trolls, statues of grotesque looking witches with backsides like camels, and a particularly noticeable painting of a woman in a white dress sitting in a dimly lit room with only one window.

Exploring had done Milady some good. She knew where things were and most of the layout of the school now, but Milady had yet to find a place that suited her.

That was until she found the huge sculpture of the Sibilant Serpent. It was coiled around a column with its head a meter below the vaulted ceiling, dipped as if to hiss at anyone that entered the abandoned corridor. When she climbed the adder, Milady discovered a hidden area behind the sculpture's head where she could fit snugly in.

Just as twilight faded, Milady closed her eyes to take her first nap of the day. Hogwarts seemed to be a very bizarre but interesting place.

* * *

Morning came and went, with Hermione explaining every detail of her agony with Malfoy as Head Boy. Harry and Ron, of course, offered to experiment Fred and George's jokes on the ferret, but Hermione reluctantly refused their offer, saying she'd rather a human than a rodent as a partner, thank you very much.

That didn't stop them from talking.

"We could use Canary Creams," Ron said excitedly.

"Overrated. How about Fainting Fancies?" Harry replied.

"Not enough pain or embarrassment. Why don't we just do it the old fashioned way?" Ron flexed his now-developed muscles.

"Nah...Oh, got it! Bulbadox powder!" Harry's eyebrows raised in anticipation of Ron's answer.

"No," Hermione answered for him. "I said no already. This is getting really immature. Bulbadox powder is very harmful in large doses." At first their exchange was funny, but this was a little far. It almost seemed as if they both meant harm.

"Oh, come off it Hermione. We're just having a little fun," said Ron, waving her off.

"Ronald, you are a prefect. I suggest you start acting like it, unless you want that position taken away."

She changed the subject abruptly. "C'mon. Class starts in seven minutes."

Hermione headed out of the Great Hall. Ron followed after her, grumbling but not doing much more than that. It seems someone had matured beyond the constant bickering.

Harry was quietly reading the schedule Professor McGonagall handed him. They walked to the first class listed on their time tables: Advanced Potions with the Slytherins. Some things never changed.

Advanced Potions was horrible, but what was new?

There was a new school rule which demanded that any assignment or work that needed pairing up was to be done so with opposite houses. So when Hermione was paired up with Draco Malfoy, all she could do was mutter under her breath, "spiffing" and get on with her life.

Their work was done in a silent tension. Their exchanges were short. And when they did speak, it was polite but cold.

"I'll split the ichthyicus and would you like to stir the potion?" Hermione said callously.

"Sure, Mudblood," he added.

Hermione gave a little "hmph" and whispered warningly, "Watch it, ferret."

"Hermione," Ron called in a seat near them, "Is anything a matter?"

"Not at all," said Hermione, glancing at Malfoy. She grit her teeth. "We're doing just fine, thanks."

"Oh Weasel. Trying to act the protective boyfriend? You know, she never liked you and always will. Besides, just between purebloods, isn't that going a little low?"

"Shut your face Malfoy," said Ron as he abruptly turned around to face him. In doing so, he knocked over the contents of their potion all over them.

"Ron!" cried Hermione.

"I swear, Weasley, they should have just named you 'Idiot' for convenience." That was Malfoy.

Ron's eyes widened as the side effects began to take affect.

"Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" Malfoy had spite enough to smirk, though he loosened his tie.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Hermione said, but despite herself, she lifted her hair away from her face.

"It is getting hot in here," she said, fanning herself with her hands.

Both began to pant deeply.

Hermione felt like she was sitting in a furnace with the flames just below her, devouring her, burning her. She lifted her robes over her head and tossed it on the ground.

They began to sweat profusely. Because their warming potion was far from complete, it was not warm but scalding hot.

Malfoy had taken his robes off also, just as the Potions Master took notice.

"Hey, none of that riff-raff in this classroom."

The two students didn't take notice. The only things on their mind were the burning fire, heat, and the invisible flames that were engulfing their bodies.

"Professor, the potion spilled on them," answered Ron.

The professor quickly handed them the antidote to the potion while Hermione was shaking her shoes and knee-length socks off. Malfoy quickly swallowed a spoonful and gave it to Hermione. She drank it and waited.

But the flames were still there, still burning.

In between short pants of breath, Hermione said, "It's not working Professor. The potion wasn't finished."

The Potion's master facial expression clearly stated, "Oh dear."

Malfoy cursed under his breath for what he was about to do and began to unbutton his collared shirt. Halfway through this (much to the disappointment of some female students), the professor said, "Aguamenti," and both Hermione and Malfoy were drenched in water (the girls were content after this).

Hermione sighed with relief, when, about ten seconds later, she began to burn up again. Malfoy was no different.

"Alright, go to the infirmary and use _Aguamenti_ every few seconds on each other. Madam Pomfrey will be able to help you."

The Gryffindor and Slytherin exited, not caring about their appearances, but just trying to get to the Hospital wing without scorching.

Seeing Malfoy in his current state (sweating, completely wet, and sporting an unbuttoned shirt), Hermione waved her wand saying, "Aguamenti," and Malfoy did the same to her.

If they weren't occupying their mouths with the Aguamenti spell, Malfoy would have cursed Hermione into oblivion for her friend's idiocy, and Hermione would be screaming at him to stop starring at her now-wet t-shirt. Both were so busy cursing one another that they barely noticed a shout of, "WEASLEY, DETENTION!" coming from the dungeons.

* * *

Crookshanks walked furtively. The wind was brushing his matted fur, and the swooshing covered the sounds of his paws pattering the ground. He was covered by the night as he crept up towards a silhouette of Milady sitting near the lake.

Milady seemed to be an awful sort of cat. She walked as if she owned the place, even though it was only her second day at Hogwarts. Being unpleasant to Crookshanks must have been the stupidest thing she'd ever done because her new rival had a few tricks up his sleeve as repayment of her unkindness.

This was Milady's first time exploring the outdoors. She sat lapping up water from the aqua-blue lake. Unbeknownst to her, she would soon be flying into the deep waters.

Crookshanks pattered, tip-toed, and scooted to Milady soundlessly. He halted as the feline lifted her head and twisted her ears backwards. Satisfied that she was alone, Milady shook her head and continued drinking. It was the opportune moment to catch her off guard.

"RWARR!" shouted Crookshanks. Milady leapt twenty feet in the air and...

_SPLASH!_

...landed in the lake.

Her soaking wet head bobbed to the surface just to see Crookshanks laughing his arse off on the dry land.

Milady screamed, splashed, and sputtered. "I cannot believe you! You evil son of a...crazed madcat, unbearable hairball, foolish dreg of the lowlifes. I hate you!"

Crookshanks wasn't listening, only laughing and watching as she struggled in the water. When Milady reached land, she scooted to Crookshanks, ugly, smelly,and sopping wet, and extracted her claws. Crookshanks had seen this coming. Just as he was about to be scratched once more, he yelled, "Marshall!" very loudly.

Milady froze in her position as something splashed behind her. A moonlit shadow cast upon her and a tentacle wrapped around her waist.

"Ahh!" She struggled but nothing could be done.

Crookshanks grinned. He was glad he was on friendly terms with the Giant Squid. "Thanks Marshall," Crookshanks said. "You can just throw her around a little, if you want."

Marshall the Giant Squid gave him a thumbs up.

As Crookshanks left for the common room, death threats and yelps were the only things he heard.

* * *

"I can't believe your friend. I don't even know why he's in Advanced Potions; he's so stupid."

"Malfoy, if you hadn't provoked him, that wouldn't have happened. Now shut up." Hermione acted civil as Professor Sinistra crossed them in the halls, smiling. Malfoy inclined his head and quit his slander.

As they reached the entrance to their common room, Malfoy said maliciously, "Your boy-toy's going to get it from me, Mudblood." He clenched his fist near his chest.

Hermione fumed; she was tired of the friend-insulting, the name calling and the provoking implements of her being a slut.

"Malfoy. That's it!" She raised her hand about to slap him, when Professor McGonagall turned their corner.

"What do you two think you're doing," she gasped at the sight before her.

The Head Girl and Head Boy were frozen in their positions. Malfoy's face tinted pink and Hermione hung her mouth open.

"Professor McGonagall! Oh...umm...we were just, uh," Hermione looked at Malfoy's clenched fist, "playing Rock, Paper, Scissors! Yeah, that's it. You see I had Paper and Mal—Draco here had Rock. So you see, I won."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Won what exactly?"

Hermione glanced at the portrait. "I get to pick the password this week," she answered quickly.Malfoy nodded in agreement.

"Did you not just get the password yesterday?" the professor questioned skeptically.

"Oh yeah," replied Draco when Hermione seemed to have lost her train of thought. "But we didn't think that 'Mandrake Buttocks' suited us. We figured 'House Unity' was much more Head Boy and Head Girl-esque. Correct?" It was Hermione's turn to nod.

McGonagall sifted her gaze from Draco to Hermione and finally said, "Right. Well, the reason I came here was to inform you that you will be holding a Prefect's meeting this Friday after classes. You will need to inform the current prefects. Here are the documents you will be needing. I expect you to have everything ready by that time. Good day."

She tilted her head and left.

Hermione and Draco sighed.

"That was close. We'll have to watch it next time."

Draco just snorted and said to their portrait, "Mandrake Buttocks." The picture of Wilbert the White Crappie shook his head.

"Actually, Malfoy, the new password is 'House Unity,' remember?" Smirking, Hermione entered the opened portrait.

"Know-it-all."

* * *

Crookshanks was curled up on a sheepskin rug in front of a warm fire when Milady waltzed in. Her usually perfectly groomed mane was now sticking out in all directions.

Crookshankslaughed hysterically when she entered.

Milady walked up to him and, after licking her paw and brushing her hair back, spoke to Crookshanks in a malevolent tone. "You think this is funny, do you?"

Between wheezing, he replied, "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Milady seethed. "Go ahead and laugh now. Laugh all you want. This is the only time you'll be able to."

His laughter ceased to the occasional hiccup. "Right," Crookshanks answered unbelievingly.

"Just wait," whispered Milady. "You don't know who you're dealing with."

With that, Milady gracefully walked up the stairs and into her human's room.

* * *

Crookshanks snorted. "That ending sucked."

"What are you talking about?" screeched Lylian. "That was such a good ending!"

"I don't think so. Why does Milady get to be the one leaving threats?"

"Oh do shut up," said Milady. "You should be happy. Lylian gave you a lot of scenes to yourself."

"Hey yeah, that's true." Crookshanks grinned happily.

"And she only gave me one," Milady complained.

Lylian groaned. "Not you too."

"Oh yes, 'me too'! I want more scenes."

Sighing, Lylian answered, "Don't worry. The next chapter."

"Yay!" Milady squealed.

"Don't get your knickers in a bunch," muttered the narrator.

Milady raised an invisible eyebrow. "I wasn't aware I was wearing anything."

"It's an expression!" Lylian said aggravatedly.

"You know," said Crookshanks, "what you just said would have sounded so bad if you weren't a cat."

Milady sniggered. "I know."

"You two have such dirty minds!" Lylian said. "Well, I guess now is the best time to get on with the thanking. And you know what?" she asked excitedly. "You guys get to have my very own autographs! Yay!"

Lylian picked up the stack of papers next to her. "When I call out your name, take one. **Serena Tasneem**, **mistress-eos14**, **foxy** (how could I forget you hun? You're the sweetest!), **Trackstarbabie1200**, **angelps7**, **Slim Shady**, **Skittlehog**, and **Steelo**!"

Milady snorted, "You swear you're famous."

"What?" said Lylian scandalized.

"Don't mind her, Lyls," said Crookshanks. "She's just jealous."

Milady glared.

"Well yeah. I love you guys so much! I hope you liked this chapter. It's the longest one yet. TEN pages! Wow I'm so proud of myself, even if it did take really long.

"Oh I have a contest for you guys! Yay, don't you love these things? Well in 'Milady's Scene' there were descriptions artworks. If you canname all four of them, then you win (insert drumroll here) a lifesized Fred Weasley Action Figure (taken from A Bit Like Love by Skittlehog. Read it!)! I know you want it. You're just drooling for it, aren't you?"

"Hmm," said Crookshanks. "I've been needing a new chew toy."

"Oh hush 'Shanky! This is a once in a lifetime offer! It's something you just can't refuse. Try the contest!"

"You sound like a walking advertisement," drawled Milady.

"Alright, ta-ta you guys. Til next time. Please review, because reviews are my addiction." Lylian opened the door for the cats, and Milady and Crookshanks strolled out. She then turned to you and spoke.

"Psst. I really am giving out autographs. Email me and I'll hand-write a letter to you and take a picture of it!" Lylian giggled.

Crookshanks and Milady groaned from the other side of the doorway. "Lylian!"

_Click._


End file.
